Like all the good lemmings, I’ve got a Facebook account too.  God forbid I not know how proud my ex-neighbor from 10 years ago is about how his brat did on a test.  Buddy, just because you shit out a kid who’s smarter than you doesn’t make you King Of The Retards, it just means you’re an attention whore.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I pump out the same neverending stream of self-serving Public Relations because I’ve figured it out: Facebook is a contest, and the only way to win is to try and sound more interesting than everybody else. You grab as many acquaintances as you can then spend the remainder of your days proving that they’re fools for not following you around all day in person.

One of the most annoying memes in support of this ridiculous competition lately has been the “I’m morally superior unless you do what I tell you” one.  You’ve probably have seen an example sometime in the last few days:

On the face of it it seems like a nice idea…  “It’d be nice, aww, yeah, let’s all kumbaya and have a great big endorphin sandwich and hug and take X together”.

…except there’s one problem: the implication is that if you DON’T post this text as your status, you DO think people should die and go broke.  In fact, you’re a goddamn MONSTER if you don’t post this!  Holy crap, better get to the batcave Bruce Wayne and get your fucking Facebook updated right away!

So it’s an implicit threat.  “Do X or Y is true”.

That’s awesome.

Second, let’s look at the basic failure behind this message: “By doing X, you will help Z.”  The text suggests essentially that if you post this as your status, you will, in some way, make medical-insurance-magic happen.  I can only guess that the people participating in this believe at some level that somewhere, there’s a master control screen for Facebook surrounded by Insurance Industry executives.

In this control room, the insurance dudes are watching the screen up front with growing terror as hundreds and hundreds of status messages switch over to this.

“My god”, one of them breathlessly intones to another (in the fantasy), “they’re in open revolt!  What do we do?”  And the tie-wearing guy he’s talking to sets down his big cigar and responds, “We pray, Mister HMO.  We pray.”

In truth, though, this is just a lazy form of slacktivism.  This is one of the most dangerous types of self delusion for the burgeoning protester/true believer/self-righteous espouser of The Truth.  The delusion that he/she/it is doing something to make the world better without having to actually do anything.

“By jove”, the original author thinks while stroking his neck beard, “this status message shall storm the gates of the world and light a fire of indignation that shall burn these streets clean!”  Confusing metaphoric imagery aside, this has the same erstwhile goal as any revolutionary.  But instead of having to actually go out and take down whitey, all that happens is that the chickens cluck loudly for a few minutes, then forget about it.

What’s the actual result of the status message going to be?  Really?  Well, probably nothing.  A lot of heads around the world nodded, a bunch of furious copy/pasting took place, but in the end, everything goes back to status quo.  But the situation is actually WORSE than it was before, because a bunch of people feel like they did something and can now move on to the next item in their inbox.  In the word of one internet philosopher, “FFFFFUUUUUUUUU-”

Finally, and perhaps most damning at all: It’s sanctimonious.  I won’t waste a lot on this, but seriously, fuck you guys.  Yeah, I get it.  You feel strongly about this.  But just shuuuuuuut up already.  There’s got to be a way you can jerk yourself off about how awesome you are without implying a severe lack of moral fortitude in everyone else who failed to think of doing this first.

So let’s recap:

1. It’s a threat.
2. It’s actually worse than useless.
3. The people who do it think it proves they’re a better person.

Yeah, Facebook is a curious game, and it can be fun.  But if this is the way the contest is shaping, it seems as if the only way to win is not to play.

Walking into Safeway yesterday, I encountered an increasingly common sight.  A woman, dressed bizarely in a shiny purple outfit and pushing a grocery cart was haranguing people walking down the sidewalk.  I can only assume her behavior was at least in part modified by the tall beer can she was drinking from, further evidenced by the shopping cart she was pushing ahead of her that contained, in addition to her belongings, the empty remnants of more beer.

Toothlessly leering in the fashion of a methamphetamine connoisseur, she staggered up to people and swore at them, occasionally grabbing her breasts and pumping them.  With the maniacal precision of someone who has decided she is exempt from any possible implied social contract, she stalked up to cars and shouted into their cabins at the startled faces of newcomers, then lurched back towards the sidewalk to scatter pedestrians with her raving.

Intrigued, I activated the camera function of my phone and was prepared as I walked past.

“Say, would you mind smiling?  I’ve never taken a picture of a crazy person before”, I called out brightly and with a smile.

In a flash, her chemically affected exuberance at causing discomfort snapped inwards and she spun about, hiding her face as I took a picture.  Assuming this to be an accident, I followed her around a pillar to get a followup picture, but she hid her face and kept evading.

I glanced up as a pedestrian passed and smiled.  “Shucks,” I said, putting away my camera, “she seems to be a bit camera shy.”  To my surprise, I received a withering look that suggested that _I_ was somehow in the wrong in this situation, that my refusal to substitute pity for amusement was somehow indicative of a deep seated personality flaw on my part.  I suspect that she hadn’t considered the alternative, that I’m simply an asshole, and that part of being an asshole is being unwilling to treat adults as children.

Folks, at what point do we stop giving a free pass to the mentally ill or addicts who veer through our neighborhoods, menacing our kids and yellow profanities at the top of their lungs?  At what point do we call them on their bullshit?

Do not coddle them.  If people do stupid things or behave badly, say something.  You may be providing a vital service to someone who believes their actions are acceptable because society never tells them otherwise.