While everyone was giving each other high-fives and because of "how cool it was that President Obama called Kanye West a Jackass", the president was talking about extending provisions of the US Constitution's natural enemy: The Patriot Act. We're fucking arresting people then sending them to Afghanistan. What. The. Fuck? When did we become the country that does shit like THAT? Anyone who doesn't realize that the intent of the government is to make the Patriot Act a permanent part of the law is an idiot. Congress put in the "expiring clauses" to sooth the public, and like sheep, the vast majority of the public bought into it. There is no emoticon strong enough to convey the level of disgust this inspires in me. If you haven't figured out that both of the major parties are essentially identical, and that neither has your constitutional interests at heart (where it's inconvenient for the government, that is), then you're a moron. The primary job of someone in power is to perpetuate and/or extend their influence. Tie this in with the Peter Principle and look at our current political environment, and it gets pretty goddamn scary. The Patriot Act is essentially an attempt to vaccinate us against freedom. That's the kind of flu I don't mind having, but I guess the rest of my fellow citizens are ok with trading liberty for convenience. Fuck 'em.
For a few years, I had an Oregon Scientific projection clock that rocked my night world. It put the time up on the ceiling in red, the alarm went off when it was supposed to, and it just worked. So of course, I bought a replacement. I was at Bed, Bath & Beyond shopping for, fuck, I don't know. It's one of those stores where you go in for a shower curtain and come out with $150 in gadgets, then have to go back to get the shower curtain you forgot to find. Anyways, I see this clock sitting there on this stand looking all blue and shit, and I immediately notice the following awesome things about it:
- It looks like a UFO.
- It's a projection clock.
- It also has a wireless outdoor temperature sensor and will TELL ME exactly how goddamn cold it is outside while I'm snuggled up all nice and warm under the Thundercat! blanket I tell people I bought ironically.
Do you know what happened when you turned in a car as part of this process? The dealers put two quarts of sodium silicate into the engine and ran it until it destroyed itself. If you're not disgusted with this program and all the money it cost you, then you're a fucking retard. This entire program was based on the broken window fallacy of economics. It took money out of your pocket and made you think you got cash, but everyone who pays taxes was robbed. The only people who liked this are the auto companies. Why wouldn't they like it? It was another bailout, and you paid for it, suckers.
Like all the good lemmings, I've got a Facebook account too. God forbid I not know how proud my ex-neighbor from 10 years ago is about how his brat did on a test. Buddy, just because you shit out a kid who's smarter than you doesn't make you King Of The Retards, it just means you're an attention whore. Oh, don't get me wrong, I pump out the same neverending stream of self-serving Public Relations because I've figured it out: Facebook is a contest, and the only way to win is to try and sound more interesting than everybody else. You grab as many acquaintances as you can then spend the remainder of your days proving that they're fools for not following you around all day in person. One of the most annoying memes in support of this ridiculous competition lately has been the "I'm morally superior unless you do what I tell you" one. You've probably have seen an example sometime in the last few days: On the face of it it seems like a nice idea... "It'd be nice, aww, yeah, let's all kumbaya and have a great big endorphin sandwich and hug and take X together". ...except there's one problem: the implication is that if you DON'T post this text as your status, you DO think people should die and go broke. In fact, you're a goddamn MONSTER if you don't post this! Holy crap, better get to the batcave Bruce Wayne and get your fucking Facebook updated right away! So it's an implicit threat. "Do X or Y is true". That's awesome. Second, let's look at the basic failure behind this message: "By doing X, you will help Z." The text suggests essentially that if you post this as your status, you will, in some way, make medical-insurance-magic happen. I can only guess that the people participating in this believe at some level that somewhere, there's a master control screen for Facebook surrounded by Insurance Industry executives. In this control room, the insurance dudes are watching the screen up front with growing terror as hundreds and hundreds of status messages switch over to this. "My god", one of them breathlessly intones to another (in the fantasy), "they're in open revolt! What do we do?" And the tie-wearing guy he's talking to sets down his big cigar and responds, "We pray, Mister HMO. We pray." In truth, though, this is just a lazy form of slacktivism. This is one of the most dangerous types of self delusion for the burgeoning protester/true believer/self-righteous espouser of The Truth. The delusion that he/she/it is doing something to make the world better without having to actually do anything. "By jove", the original author thinks while stroking his neck beard, "this status message shall storm the gates of the world and light a fire of indignation that shall burn these streets clean!" Confusing metaphoric imagery aside, this has the same erstwhile goal as any revolutionary. But instead of having to actually go out and take down whitey, all that happens is that the chickens cluck loudly for a few minutes, then forget about it. What's the actual result of the status message going to be? Really? Well, probably nothing. A lot of heads around the world nodded, a bunch of furious copy/pasting took place, but in the end, everything goes back to status quo. But the situation is actually WORSE than it was before, because a bunch of people feel like they did something and can now move on to the next item in their inbox. In the word of one internet philosopher, "FFFFFUUUUUUUUU-" Finally, and perhaps most damning at all: It's sanctimonious. I won't waste a lot on this, but seriously, fuck you guys. Yeah, I get it. You feel strongly about this. But just shuuuuuuut up already. There's got to be a way you can jerk yourself off about how awesome you are without implying a severe lack of moral fortitude in everyone else who failed to think of doing this first. So let's recap:
- It's a threat.
- It's actually worse than useless.
- The people who do it think it proves they're a better person.
Walking into Safeway yesterday, I encountered an increasingly common sight. A woman, dressed bizarely in a shiny purple outfit and pushing a grocery cart was haranguing people walking down the sidewalk. I can only assume her behavior was at least in part modified by the tall beer can she was drinking from, further evidenced by the shopping cart she was pushing ahead of her that contained, in addition to her belongings, the empty remnants of more beer. Toothlessly leering in the fashion of a methamphetamine connoisseur, she staggered up to people and swore at them, occasionally grabbing her breasts and pumping them. With the maniacal precision of someone who has decided she is exempt from any possible implied social contract, she stalked up to cars and shouted into their cabins at the startled faces of newcomers, then lurched back towards the sidewalk to scatter pedestrians with her raving. Intrigued, I activated the camera function of my phone and was prepared as I walked past. "Say, would you mind smiling? I've never taken a picture of a crazy person before", I called out brightly and with a smile. In a flash, her chemically affected exuberance at causing discomfort snapped inwards and she spun about, hiding her face as I took a picture. Assuming this to be an accident, I followed her around a pillar to get a followup picture, but she hid her face and kept evading. I glanced up as a pedestrian passed and smiled. "Shucks," I said, putting away my camera, "she seems to be a bit camera shy." To my surprise, I received a withering look that suggested that _I_ was somehow in the wrong in this situation, that my refusal to substitute pity for amusement was somehow indicative of a deep seated personality flaw on my part. I suspect that she hadn't considered the alternative, that I'm simply an asshole, and that part of being an asshole is being unwilling to treat adults as children. Folks, at what point do we stop giving a free pass to the mentally ill or addicts who veer through our neighborhoods, menacing our kids and yellow profanities at the top of their lungs? At what point do we call them on their bullshit? Do not coddle them. If people do stupid things or behave badly, say something. You may be providing a vital service to someone who believes their actions are acceptable because society never tells them otherwise.
The founding fathers of the United States of America were pretty bad-ass. These guys gave King George the finger, made Boston harbor smell like an old lady's parlor for the lulz, then invented new type of dominoes that involves knocking over British Redcoats with musket fire. When we think of their accomplishments, though, the one thing that stands out is the US Constitution. And the part of the Constitution that resonates with us as a nation the most is more than just flowery prose espousing freedom: The Bill of Rights is a License To Be An Asshole in 10 different, specific ways.
- The government can't stop you from writing or believing what you want, even if it hurts people's feelings and ESPECIALLY if it offends. (original wording)
- The government can't stop you from keeping guns, even if it scares people. It'd be polite if everyone defanged themselves, but liberty is often rude. (original wording)
- The government can't force you to house soldiers in time of war, even if it would be an awfully nice thing to do. Starting to see a theme yet? (original wording)
- The government can't search you 'just because', even if it'd help them stop some super duper crime maybe. Hell, imagine the field day the cops could have if they could just set up random checkpoints and search everyone coming through for possible law breakiness. They'd fucking LOVE to do that, btw, but you're theoretically protected from it. (original wording)
- The government can't force you to give yourself up or give up your freedoms or property, even if it would make everyone else happy. (original wording)
- The government can't just hold you in limbo without being charged or tried justly, even if it's OBVIOUS that you're a no good son of a bitch. "He's probably guilty of SOMETHING!" They still try, though, so it also says you can have a professional asshole to represent you. (original wording)
- The government can't just run you through a kangaroo court, EVEN if, like in #6, it's OBVIOUS that you're a right mean bastard. If you want, then you're entitled to make 'em convince 12 other jerkoffs that you're actually a criminal. (original wording)
- The government can't just cram you into a hole and leave you to rot, even if like in 6 and 7, you're the damndest big ol' motherfucking bastard anyone ever did see. (original wording)
- The government can't paper whip you into giving up your rights, even if doing so would make everyone else's life so much easier and more pleasant. (original wording)
- The government can't just make up new laws for anything this doesn't cover, the states are the onl- oh, never mind, this was effectively repealed in 1865. This Right Left Intentionally Blank. (original wording)
It's an increasingly common scenario: You've just completed a purchase at a store and, while exiting the premises with your goods (remember, they have your money, ownership has just transferred) you're stopped at the door and told that you must show your receipt. Most people blithely accept this command at face value, but it's not necessary. In point of fact, doing this is actually bad because it works to create a precedent going forward that it's acceptable to treat paying customers like criminals and remain in business. They have no legal right to stop you for your receipt. If they want to see mine, they'll have to accuse me of shoplifting first, and they'll be looking at false imprisonment charges if they bar my way out of the store. The reason The only purpose of the receipt check is to intimidate people, and since I'm not stealing, I won't let them do it. I'm very polite, but not apologetic. "Your receipt?" they say, usually not bothering to ask anymore because of the sense of power their position has given them. This is the result of past compliance, the employee now believes that this is now The Way Things Are Done. "No thanks," I answer. This usually throws them for a loop. I continue walking. There's no need to be rude, and 80% of the time, this is all it takes. "I need to see your receipt!" Sometimes, they jump in front of me, sometimes it's not until I've passed them that they realize I'm not falling into the expected groove. "No you don't, have a nice day" I respond pleasantly as I continue walking. If they've put themselves in my way, however, it's time to take steps to protect myself. At this point, I may pull out my cell phone and dial a couple numbers, then hover my finger over Send. "With respect, you can't stop me and check my receipt unless I give you permission, and I don't." "Yes we can. Show me your receipt or I'll call the police." This is usually the point of maximum bluster. You can almost physically smell the adrenaline pouring into the bloodstream of the door guard at this point, so I don't make any sudden movements. Calmly and confidently, I speak. "According to the law, you can only stop me if you have cause to believe I've shoplifted. I haven't, and I'm not going to show you my receipt for the purchases I made. If you don't let me past, I'll complete this call to 911 and report you to the police for false imprisonment. If you don't believe me about the law, call the manager over right now." At this point, they usually back off, but on occasion, they play it to the hilt and call management or security. At one point at a Best Buy in Los Angeles (off Pico, over by the 405) I had two security guards holding me at the door while the door guy called a manager over. The receipt checker was confidently telling me how I was in a bunch of trouble and they could do whatever they wanted. When the manager got there, the door checker stuck his chest out proudly and told her how he had gotten me and how I wouldn't show my receipt, and scornfully relayed my obviously ridiculous assertion that they could not legally hold me if I didn't want to show the receipt. With infinite sadness in her eyes that the bluff had been called, she pulled him aside and told him I was right, and that he could NOT actually hold me. She apologized to me and I walked out. The door checker was shocked silent. I don't blame the door guys, they're in the classic situation of having all the responsibility without any of the authority. Management tells them to do something without letting them know what the law is so that they'll be confident, and 99% of the sheep let them get away with it. This is why I'm polite, if firm, when asserting myself. Rights that you give away are meaningless. Rights exercised are rights kept. Don't let fear of 'being difficult' keep you from doing it.