Well, one scene, at least. We watched Star Trek IV today. The cats watched with us because, well, I assume they want to keep an untrusting eye on me at all times. There’s a scene near the beginning where the big ‘whale probe’ volleyball cake mixer space robot thing is doing its space thing where it blasts space whale sounds at Earth. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, I lost you at ‘volleyball cake mixer’.
Watch out, kitty! Klingons hate tribbles, and you’re the closest thing around!
So (our cat) Louise is sitting in front of the TV and watching the space probe closely. It’s making interesting noises, so this makes sense. The subsequent scene, however, is different. Space whale noises end and now a Klingon Bird of Prey shoots towards the viewer at warp speed with a whoosh. Well, that’s we see. Louise, however, sees a huge FAST MOVING HAWK THING diving straight at her and roaring. She may not be the cleverest cat, but she doesn’t need to be to know that Klingons/SUPERSPACEHAWKS are bad news so she bolts.
In a blind kitty panic, she sees this ship warping directly at her and claws her way over the back of the chair she was sitting on and flies through the air to hit the ground running. Her claws extended, she tears into the carpet and blasts off. Crossing into the hardwood floor, she loses traction and scrabbles furiously to avoid smacking into a wall. She clearly knows that only speed will help keep her safe from this attacking form and exits the family room and kitchen at > 10-15mph.
If I could speak cat-onese, I would have a long talk with my kitty. See, not only was it not a real bird trying to kill her, if it HAD been real, running to another room wouldn’t have been enough. Klingon Birds of Prey have warp drives, for one, so she cannot outrun it. Second, the yield on photon torpedoes means that even one could effortlessly destroy our entire neighborhood. I mean, come on cat. You can’t outrun a photon torpedo, you’re a cat, not some sort of… crazy whacked out super cat.
No, Louise, your decision to flee the television was illogical.
Tomorrow (June 10th) is the big iOS 6 announcement, and everyone I know (aka my cats) can’t wait to hear the details. Luckily, I can give you a sneak peak!
I have it on good authority that iOS 6 will implement the following exciting features:
iKnow – This Siri functionality will have her listening to everything said around your phone to generate a transcript that she pre-searches the internet for information on. That way, if someone is talking about a movie, you can glance at your screen and already see things like the IMDB page up to pluck information from that makes you sound waaaay smart.
S&MS – A new sadomasochism-based texting service that you can use to set up sessions with dominatrix’ and masters. Using the geolocation API, it will arrange for them to spontaneously ‘abduct’ you from wherever you are without pre-knowledge to add to the ‘excitement’ of the session. It cannot be disabled.
OS-integrated MySpace so you can seamlessly be dropped into a real-life cyber ghost town social networking site where software tumbleweeds are occasionally interrupted by the first 15 seconds of ancient pop songs amid flurries of animated ‘under construction’ gifs.
There are the ones I’ve heard about, pretty exciting stuff!
(to the tune of Sympathy for the Devil, obviously)
Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a Jedi of speed and haste
I’ve been around for a long long year
Raced many ‘cross the Jundland Wastes
And I was ’round when Sebulba
took a tumble onto the plains
Made sure that Jabba Hutt
had a laugh as he watched th’ race
Search your feelings
You know it to be true
But if I’m really your father,
is what’s puzzling you
I visited Couruscant
When the queen came under an attack
Jumped from cars and stopped a girl
Who Jango shot from his jetpack
I flew tanks
Held a generals rank
When the clone wars raged
and the droids clanked
Search your feelings
You know it to be true
But if I’m really your father,
is what’s puzzling you
I flew with glee
While both the fleets
stood back to back
then shot each other to scrap
I met Duku
and helped him lose his head
When Palpatine
acted oh so mean
Let me please introduce myself
I’m a jedi of great haste
And I helped kill off the Council,
took the temple, and had my first Sith taste
Search your feelings
You know it to be true
But if I’m really your father, oh yeah
is what’s puzzling you
Just as every droid will malfunction
and all flyers fall
As lights go dark
Just call me Darth Vader
’cause my servos give me complaint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and do your best
Use all your well-learned saber-skills
Or I’ll lay you down to rest, mm yeah
Search your feelings
You know it to be true
But if I’m really your father,
is what’s puzzling you
Woo, who
Sith lords, come on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
Tell me Jedi, whats my name
Tell me Blue Milk, can ya guess my name
Tell me Naboo, whats my name
I tell you Obi Wan, you’re to blame
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah
Whats me name
Tell me, Yoda, whats my name
Tell me, Tarkin, whats my name
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah
