Formal license to be an asshole

The founding fathers of the United States of America were pretty bad-ass.  These guys gave King George the finger, made Boston harbor smell like an old lady’s parlor for the lulz, then invented new type of dominoes that involves knocking over British Redcoats with musket fire.  When we think of their accomplishments, though, the one thing that stands out is the US Constitution.  And the part of the Constitution that resonates with us as a nation the most is more than just flowery prose espousing freedom:

The Bill of Rights is a License To Be An Asshole in 10 different, specific ways.

  1. The government can’t stop you from writing or believing what you want, even if it hurts people’s feelings and ESPECIALLY if it offends. (original wording)
  2. The government can’t stop you from keeping guns, even if it scares people.  It’d be polite if everyone defanged themselves, but liberty is often rude.  (original wording)
  3. The government can’t force you to house soldiers in time of war, even if it would be an awfully nice thing to do.  Starting to see a theme yet? (original wording)
  4. The government can’t search you ‘just because’, even if it’d help them stop some super duper crime maybe.  Hell, imagine the field day the cops could have if they could just set up random checkpoints and search everyone coming through for possible law breakiness.  They’d fucking LOVE to do that, btw, but you’re theoretically protected from it. (original wording)
  5. The government can’t force you to give yourself up or give up your freedoms or property, even if it would make everyone else happy.   (original wording)
  6. The government can’t just hold you in limbo without being charged or tried justly, even if it’s OBVIOUS that you’re a no good son of a bitch.  “He’s probably guilty of SOMETHING!”  They still try, though, so it also says you can have a professional asshole to represent you.  (original wording)
  7. The government can’t just run you through a kangaroo court, EVEN if, like in #6, it’s OBVIOUS that you’re a right mean bastard.  If you want, then you’re entitled to make ’em convince 12 other jerkoffs that you’re actually a criminal. (original wording)
  8. The government can’t just cram you into a hole and leave you to rot, even if like in 6 and 7, you’re the damndest big ol’ motherfucking bastard anyone ever did see. (original wording)
  9. The government can’t paper whip you into giving up your rights, even if doing so would make everyone else’s life so much easier and more pleasant. (original wording)
  10. The government can’t just make up new laws for anything this doesn’t cover, the states are the onl-  oh, never mind, this was effectively repealed in 1865.  This Right Left Intentionally Blank. (original wording)

Nobody needs protection when they’re doing something popular.  The guy writing pamphlets saying “Let’s all be nice!” needs approximately 10,000 times less protection than the raging asshole with the Klan hood on because that fucker will get some serious rage pointed his way.

Lots of country produce real assholes.  What makes the USA different is that we’ve formally recognized the RIGHT to be an asshole, and we’re proud of it.