Unable to write good titles, webdude finds secret that

Clickbait.  Goddamn clickbait.  That’s what I used here.  It’s showing up everywhere and it sucks.  I even put a picture of a woman shocked by ‘some secret’ she saw as part of trying to draw you here and obviously it worked.

“She sure looks shocked, I’d better go check out the big secret!”

You'll never guess the amazing technique he uses to draw people to his shitty website!
You’ll never guess the amazing technique he uses to draw people to his shitty website!

Leading headlines like this are ridiculous, Buzzfeed and the rest of all y’all are parasites, and the rest of us should be ashamed for falling for it.  Facebook loves it; I think they even censor previews on things that are critical of clickbait.  I had to kajigger this post a bunch of ways before finally tricking it into generating a preview and I kinda think this can’t be shared with the above format intact by just starting with this URL.  You know why?  Because Facebook looooooves clickbait because clicks=$$$ for them in dozens of inscrutable ways beyond my ability to fathom.  As far as I can tell, there’s a function somewhere in Facebook’s link preview code that says basically:

if($post_text contains "clickbait")
    //fuck this guy

(I made this pseudolanguage up so don’t criticize my formatting, as far as you know it’s totally amazeballs syntax in my imaginary coding environment)

“Just this once, I’m sure it’ll be worth it..” we tell ourselves, and each time we’re spectacularly wrong.  It’s not worth it when we need to be tricked into it, so we’re losing dignity by falling for it.

Guys, guys….  we need to go back to, GUYS.  Pay attention.  We need to go back to the basics.  Guys, listen.  We need to go back to the proven techniques that made this web what it is today: spamming.  Well, either that or creating good content, but who has time for that?

I mean, look at the kind of junk I make here:


Just dreadful.