It’s been a year since the events surrounding what I think of as the Raccoon Wars of 2012 and there has been a change. If you are new to ‘As The Ben Turns’, you may not know of the epic struggle in which I was embroiled: Inhuman foes, elaborate traps, puzzles, and coming face to face with snarling enemies are all parts of a series of escalations I’ve documented here.
For the past few weeks, there have occasionally been mysteriously clean dry-food plates in the Catfeteria. As we all know, a dish that is 50% or below full of catfood = empty as the soul of an MPAA executive in the eyes of a cat, so finding the occasional catfood bowl that’s picked clean has been… concerning.
Fast forward to 4:30 this morning. Coming down the stairs, I heard a deliberate mechanical crunching. Our cats are very casual eaters, so the chomping machine I was hearing was not normal. CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH it went with the subtlety of a woodchipper being fed Federal witnesses. CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.
Turning on my flashlight, I crept around the corner to see a bag of dry food jerking and wiggling as it was methodically disemboweled by some sort of furred monster. “It can’t be him… I defeated the raccoon” I told myself, but the evidence of a non-cat invader couldn’t be ignored. ‘Maybe it’s a stray’, I told myself unconvincingly.
I snuck closer, then shined the line directly at it. “Ah HA!” I yelled. “!!!!” it snarled and then, in a panic, disappeared _into_ the large bag. I wasn’t sure what I had seen, but I knew a few things:
1. It was not a cat.
2. It was not a raccoon.
3. It was angry and uncoordinated.
The bag spun around and danced as the mystery creature struggled to, well, literally fight its way out of a paper bag. After an embarassing 5-10 seconds it finally succeeded and tore out of the house through the open sliding glass door. Crud, I’d forgotten to reset that last night, at least now I had a theory on how it had gotten in.
During its sprint, it looked over at me and for a moment, time slowed down and I got a clear look at what I was facing. I could see every greasy hair on its pointy head as it turned to glance at me before majestically plowing into the corner of the slider and bouncing out the door. Time returned to normal, but now I knew the name of my enemy.
Possum.
The small, land equivalent of a Great White Shark, the possum has approximately one billion teeth in its mouth. I’ve been able to see a couple examples of this over the past few weeks when my mighty cats have brought in living possum yutes for us to presumably adopt. Their mouths, when they’re hissing at me, appear to be lined with inward facing teeth like some sort of furry Sarlacc Pit and their beady little eyes contain only hate for a world that does not respect possums.
The yutes I’d carefully taken outside had been maybe 8-10 inches but the thing that erupted out of that innocent bag of Kitty Kibble must have had a torso that was more than a foot long, uneasily attached to an overly muscular tail of the sort you’d expect to be found on display in the Snake House at a zoo.
This ‘possum battleship’ blasted out of my house at a fearsome clip and I quickly closed the screendoor behind it, but now I’m left wondering: has this creature been coming in through the cat door before now?
Have the Raccoon Wars re-opened with a new ‘End Boss’?
The time after The Phantom Menace came out was a period of civil war. Fandom was divided along (admittedly lopsided) lines: “Episode I was a disappointment” versus “Let’s hold out hope, they might be building to something big” optimism. I found myself in the second camp because the only alternative was to believe that George Lucas had utterly shit the bed and the movies we had waited for since childhood were going to be just… just terrible. Trying to find a way from TPM to Episode IV (aka Star Wars) that redeemed what seemed to be terrible ‘mistakes’ was difficult, but I had a theory about the biggest, most visible piece of evidence that the franchise had lost its way: Jar Jar.
Jar Jar was presented as such an over-the-top ‘innocent’ character that it seemed Lucas MUST be setting us up for a huge mind-fuck, and I knew what it was: He was going to be the big finale for Anakin’s conversion to the dark side. The audience would be bound up inside with both happiness to see such a reviled character destroyed AND discomfort at the realization that they not only were cheering the Dark Side, but might even empathize with that darkness. It would have been a turning point for not just the characters, but the fans themselves too; one that would force them to question their own beliefs and assumptions about good and evil.
For Anakin to make his final conversion, he would have to do something symbolic of killing his innocence and Jar Jar would be the symbol for that. To make things even worse, though, he doesn’t just kill him: he maims him. I imagined this happening in the second or third film. Perhaps Jar Jar witnesses something and Anakin has to choose between doing the right thing by facing consequences or embracing the fear Yoda criticized in Episode One and us seeing that fear drive him to, as Yoda predicted, darkness. He cuts off Jar Jar’s eye stalks, he burns Jar Jar, he mutilates him. We see him do to Jar Jar what we know Obi-Wan will eventually do to him. It’s foreshadowing and sets up the scale that needs to be balanced.
What should have happened…
In Episode III, Senator (or perhaps by this time he would be closer to Emperor, I figured) Palpatine visits him in the Space Hospital. As we saw, Palpatine is a connoisseur of fine things, among them art. In his role of benefactor and friend, he speaks to Jar Jar’s heavily bandaged body.
“My good friend Jar Jar”, he begins, “I am deeply shocked at this terrible turn of events and wish to help you in any way I can.” The body shifts and the mouth tries to work, but Jar Jar’s lungs and throat have been burned and what emerges is a rasp. “Senator…”
Palpatine shakes his head sadly. “Please, do not speak. You must heal. Just listen, I have something that may help you secure a future. We have placed you here under an assumed name to protect you. You are Jar Jar F’et. Believe it or not, that’s enough to fool our enemies.”
Jar Jar croaks again. “No-sa future for… Jar Jar.”
“Please, just listen. After the terrible invasion of our home planet, the threat of droid armies was well established. Jar Jar, I don’t need to tell you this, of course, you saw your friends slaughtered by these mechanical machines. I have… friends… who have been working to bridge that terrible gap between machinery and man, to bring the power of the droid soldiers to the individuals. You have heard of the Mandalorians? Wait, please don’t speak. I imagine you have heard of these legendary fighters. They long ago built armored suits that made them stronger and gave them extra abilities. We have been working together to create a new generation of these suits to be used in conjunction with a ‘clone army’ of sorts that could equalize the playing field between us and those who would use machines against us as the Trade Federation did.” He shifts in his seat, a look of concern furrowing deep lines in his face.
“Jar Jar… I have, in my possession, a set of of this Mandalorian armor. It has been delivered here to your room and sits waiting in the corner. Jar Jar Binks, I must confess that you have not always received the respect to which you were entitled and this troubles me greatly. I wish for you to have this. Please, don’t try to sit up. My surgeons will assist you with this when you are able. There is, you see, something the suit can do for you were you to wear it.”
“As I mentioned, the Mandalorian armor provides augmented strength, sensory information, and more. With our medical knowledge, I believe this suit can give you the ability to see again. To see, to move, to walk once more. And Jar Jar, your strength in this time of darkness will also gain you the respect you desire.”
“I warn you, however”, he says, standing up, “that the universe that you will see will not be the same one you previously knew. Having felt such deep treachery by your friend… the universe will look quite a bit darker. But you WILL see it, and the life you live will no longer be at the convenience of others. With this power, never again will you be made the fool to another’s bidding. You have been preyed upon by those close to you. To survive, you must no longer be that prey, but can instead be the hunter.”
Stopping at the door, he purses his lips. “Jar Jar, this is a terrible thing that was done to you, but I urge you to consider my offer. From one Nabooian to another, please consider it carefully. If you’re suspicious, then I’m afraid you’ve begun to grow into this new universe I told you of. You are of Naboo and influential and while I attach no conditions to this gift, I must admit that you are… no use to me dead. I would prefer my allies alive and strong and my friends close. Choose, my friend, and be well. I will await your response.”
Jar Jar’s bandaged body shudders, weeping, but of course there are no tears. His eye stalks are gone and the stumps cauterized by that light saber attack, but still, his head turns slowly to the corner where he knows the Mandalorian armor stands. If he is to do this, he must shed his past and embrace a new identity. Despite what his friend has said, Jar Jar Binks died in that terrible attack. Reaching back through his memory of Gungan historical figures, he is drawn to that of a famed hunter of ancient stories, Boba. If he does this, he will take this name and combine it with his fake ‘Jar Jar F’et’ identity. He will be Boba F’et, and he will no longer be the hunted.
He would become the hunter.
“Hey fandom, something you hate is actually something you love. It’s no ‘Luke, I am your father’, but it’ll knock your space socks off.”
