On a forum, I recently encountered the question: “Of life’s essentials, which would you prefer?  Breathing or Dr. Pepper?”  The poll was inexplicably leaning towards BREATHING of all things, so I felt compelled to offer the following counterpoint:

A rejoinder

You fools!

The obvious choice is Doctor Pepper and LET ME EXPLAIN.

Air is a whorish mix of gasses that are inert (lazy Nitrogen, I’m looking at you!), noble (Oh, Mister ‘I’m too fancy to stick around’ Helium, your lofty attitude has been noted), dirty (carbon dioxide, you are such a guilty pleasure, you leave me gasping), and then finally, the useful: Oxygen.  It’s not just a TV channel anymore!

Most of the stuff in there is USELESS! It’s a bunch of inefficient THINGS thrown together in a Boyleing mass of heaving, windy WASTE that blows around knocking things over and generally getting in the way of things.

BUT THE OXYGEN…. damnation, we still need it.

WHEN SUDDENLY

Enter, if you will, the miraculous concoction that the physician himself mixed to fight ill humours. I speak, of course, of DOCTOR PEPPER.

This is a mix of delightful components that come together in an unadulterated symphony of delicious taste.

• Water! The stuff of life!
• Syrup of the maize plant, a testament to our Native American roots!
• Caramel E-150d! A coloring agent so nice, they named it after a candy.
• Phosphoric acid! If it wasn’t for this plucky little liquid, the Prussians might have won for the Kaizer during his reign of terror, but add a splash of H3PO4 to your party, and suddenly they’re running in terror! Huzzah!

“But Thunderscreech”, you bleat entreatingly, “I must have air to breath or surely I shall die!”

“NONSENSE!” I thunder in righteous indignation. That witches brew of accidental plant farts is the result of Chlorophyllic excesses and has no place in man’s domination of the land. When given impossible choices, air takes second chair to the obvious superiority of Dr. Pepper.

“But Thunderscreeeeech,” you begin again, and I slap you in the face!

The answer, dear sir or madam, is as plain as very fundament of this magical brew. I speak, of course, of water.

H2O. Wasser. Vita la muerte cabron! (uncertain translation)

Yes, this liquid contains the key to your survival in a world UNENCUMBERED BY NATURE. Through the simple application of electrical current through a elementary anode/cathode arrangement, you can separate the blessed oxygen from it’s handy friend hydrogen, then do it again. Then again many tens of billions of times again!  Electrolysis is more than just a hair removal technique, it’s also the key to life!

Properly segregated from it’s flammable roommate, the oxygen is now available to keep your lungs properly working, your blood corpuscles the correct color, and your life in a state of continued existence.  THIS IS GOOD, right?

Plus

You also now have Doctor Pepper, which you CAN DRINK.

I rested my case and expect no further discussion is needed as I have clearly ‘put this one in the bag’.

Good day.