What kind of deity would allow the following in a world where all the fat fuckers like me are trying to lose weight?

I read an article about how ducks and geese being fed bread at lakes are developing a nutritional malady called ‘Angel Wings‘ that leads to deformed bone structure because of the crazy mix of calories in the high-carb treats.  This, of course, merely encourages me to feed them more, because I fucking hate birds.

I’ll write more about that later, right now I’m working on a plan.  This is what I have so far:

1. Put a bunch of spoons into a cup.
2. Tape the cup next to the ‘Ready-to-eat Cheesecake filling’ display.
3. …

Actually, I guess that’s the whole plan.  I thought it would be more elaborate, but that’s pretty much it.

“Why?” I can hear you asking (actually, that may be the medication speaking, it seems unlikely that I’d actually hear anyone ask me that while I’m in the process of writing this).  Well, I figure there may be an alternate approach to the whole weight-loss thing that other people haven’t considered: Fucking up the grading curve.

If I can just get everyone ELSE to get fatter, then suddenly, I don’t look as huge, right?  This is basic relativity physics here.  If everyone else gains 20lbs, then me being 50lbs overweight becomes 30lbs overweight without me having to put down my cake.

FUCK YEAH.

The german blood in me loves the efficiency of this, because if I do decide to lose weight, the actual amount I need to lose is almost halved.  And if I get some sort of wasting-away disease, I might actually transition to “skinny” (well, relatively speaking) even faster!

Nanos gigantum humeris insidentes is Latin for “Dwarfs standing on the shoulders of giants”.  Also, it sounds fucking wicked when you use a different language, because as a nation, we’re a bunch of dumbasses who automatically assume that anything other than English or Spanish is dripping with brilliance.  Anyhow, while usually used as a metaphor for your achievements being possible because of the hard work others did before you, I’m wondering if there’s a semi-literal interpretation I can use once my plan takes place.

Of course, in my version, ‘dwarfs’ becomes “Cool Skinny Dudes” and “giants” becomes “newly fat(ter) fucks who ate a bunch of cheesecake filling”.  Oh, and “standing on the shoulders” becomes “fucking your girlfriend”.